This is a topic of great philosophical importance to me. Partly as a result of my politics–personal autonomy and all–and partly of my longstanding depression. It’s not something I’m flippant about, although I really enjoy good suicide songs, and it’s not something I advocate. I see it as a lot of complexities, and as a choice, but not one to be made lightly or quickly.
I just read a blog entry from someone who recently lost a friend to suicide. I’m not linking to it or tracking back to it, because I do understand the writer is in pain, and while I’m writing in response to the post, I don’t want to fuck with–or seem to aim to fuck with–someone who’s grieving. This isn’t about that.
The writer wrote about suicide being fundamentally selfish, and went on to say that she wouldn’t kill herself because of the heartaches and headaches she would leave behind. This was not all she said on the topic, and did seem to see the possibility for more complexity, even as she said she couldn’t comprehend such. But the selfishness accusation is common–more so even than the other cliche, “it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” And it’s one I have a problem with.
Because to say that someone in pain, particularly pain one cannot fathom oneself, should make the decision that’s easier for everyone else–that’s inherently selfish too. It also seems to imply that the person holding the opinion believes it to be okay for a person to live for another. Ideally, someone who’s suicidal can turn to the people they care about–for help in preventing it, for help in deciding what to do, for a hand in the last moments, if it comes to that. I’ve done both of the first two, and I’ve been lucky that I had the support for that.
But someone dealing with people who throw the label of selfish on them, while being selfish themselves–that person has no one to turn to, not really. I’ve asked my honey to stay with me, near me, because I’m hurting so much and I have these thoughts and feelings I don’t want to act on and I don’t trust myself. And he’s just been there for me without judgement.
I remember a number of years ago, I was friends with a gal who was going through depression and suicidal feelings at a time when I was also. And we talked about it. Haltingly at first, and as we realized we had a safe space, more firmly, defining how we felt–including not wanting to follow up on it, not really, while also be fascinated with it. She was in a rougher situation than I, having kids. Because some might determine she wasn’t a fit parent, and “alert the authorities”. Meanwhile, her kids were a large part of her motivation for keeping on.
And that’s part of my problem with the cliche responses to suicide–it leaves people in pain alone. I know I was scared to talk about it for a long time. There are the cliches, and there’s also the drama–people threatening it rather than talking about it. Then in our teens, there’s the very real possibility of being locked up–hell, I think in some places that danger continues into adulthood. I know I hesitated to even talk about it with doctors, in conjunction with my depression as an adult.
I talked with my gal pal. I had an online friend I could talk with about it, too. My ex and I had an agreement that I wouldn’t end my life without talking with him first. And my honey, as I’ve said, has supported me as well. I’ve been lucky and I tend to be around people with somewhat developed philosophies at hand instead of cliches. But regardless, it seems like not many people have that. Hell, maybe some suicides had the same damned cliched reactions themselves–and suddenly, faced with this enormous pain, these overwhelming feelings of wanting to die–they just acted on it.
That’s all.